Introducing the The Inequality Asshole Index, spring 2011 edition

Thousands were left out

Today at Camplands we introduce our quarterly Inequality Asshole Index, a highly sophisticated graphic methodology that illustrates those at the forefront of generating unequal societies, relationships and/or dynamics. It is so complex we won’t attempt to explain it. We know grave omissions have been made; just now a war for oil is once again under way, with dozens of assholes lining up to shine. Thus, these coming weeks will determine our next summer index, while this one reflects on the past months.

We hope you enjoy and share this new scientific/statistical standard, soon to be compared to the Economist’s Big Mac Index. Or not. In any case, just so you understand how hard making this list is, neither Sarkozy, Glenn Beck or LeBron James made it. We’ll try to make it up to those guys in some other way.

Regards,

PF & ED

Research shows gated community dwellers not evil sect, just oblivious assholes

Open house events have proven popular with yuppies and demons

A recent study done in Darmstadt University of Technology examined the behaviour of gated community inhabitants, with somewhat surprising results. The research, a post-graduate thesis in the International Cooperation and Urban Development masters program, looked at the characteristics of gated community members, frequently ascribed to the lowest echelons of Social Justice’s structure, just above traditionally loathed G-8, African autocracies, Hummer drivers and organ-trafficking mafias.

Katsumi Al Sayer, author of the study Enclaving the Asshole: Myths and Truths on the Gated Communitarian, explained that her research is sure to conflict with traditional critiques which portray this type of dweller “as a cross between a lemming, a lifestyle fundamentalist and a minion of Satan. My critique on the critique is critical of this simplistic veil, and demonstrates these people share a lot in common with those who live outside their self-imposed seclusion. Actually, when doing the research, I realized my high-school friend Tammy lived in one of those, and I certainly enjoyed the time we spent smoking joints at night near the common swimming pool,” said Al Sayer, confident her work will garner attention beyond her thesis supervisor and boyfriend KJ.

Some of the findings include factual evidence that gated community dwellers do leave the enclaves frequently, they intermix with other citizens, work all kinds of well-payed jobs and, unexpectedly, have no disturbing rituals during their affiliation process. “It’s as if they are just regular people with enough cash to buy a house inside a walled perimeter because they are shit-scared. I was shocked while narrowing their profile, piecing all together and coming to realize this,” commented Al Sayer. “The main conclusion of the study, though, does hint at an already perceived notion: these people’s common ground is being total assholes. No way around it. Other than that, I could only add the somewhat alarming trend of most of them being, uhm… hot?” she concluded.

“It’s MI6”: Thom Yorke reveals the truth on The King Of Limbs

Thom Yorke has declared yesterday that the title of Radiohead’s last album, launched a few days ago, actually makes reference to the British Secret Service MI6, frequently blaming them for excessive interference in many developing countries’ politics.  “Some years ago someone said that Hail To The Thief was a rant against George W. Bush: today I want to state that was definitely untrue, that was just a poetic daydream image of a very inspired album. You see, there is this tacit agreement between British artists to move into politics only when we have no idea of what to write about. That’s why Paul McCartney & Wings have been the most political British band of all time“ says the artist that remarks how the lyrics “We will sink and be quiet as mice / While the cat is away and do what we want / Do what we want” from Lotus Flower certainly speak of revolution, whereas “There’s an empty space inside my heart” is just a crappy chorus necessary to sell some million copies.

International Women’s Day over, sports back to the forefront

Women Season came to an end yesterday with the world-wide celebration of International Women’s Day (IWD). Marked by hundreds of articles, academic analysis and restrained casual sex, the week leading to Women’s Day proved successful in raising awareness and making male journalists, activists and academics feel pleased with themselves. Male experts agree that with the end of the season, “men all around the world can go back nonchalantly to issues like the football leagues, indoctrination, man-of-the-year candidates and Charlie Sheen without feeling guilty,” commented women rights scholar Boris Fedorov Sánchez. “One of the positive aspects of having a patriarchal calendar is we can all do this nice debating in a specific date, and once it’s over we don’t have to worry about it until next year. I would go as far as agreeing with what I overheard today at the university urinals: this date has become the smart man’s Valentine’s day,” he added, while requesting not to be quoted. The recent successes of IWD has half the planet wondering if this one-day truce on exploitation, inequality and systemic abuse could become a year-long permanent affair. “I mean, do we really want to have Christmas every day? Let’s not be unrealistic. Having it in just one day is what makes it special, isn’t it?” concluded Sánchez, again requesting not to be quoted.

The Special One for CampLands (Op-Ed by José Mourinho)

José Mourinho wants Respect for this blog.

I want to state it clearly: El Duque, Pablo Fanque and I are the only people deserving Respect in the bloody world of Development. I couldn’t say no when they asked me to write the first Op-Ed for CampLands, although my time is very precious (as the reader might know, in the last years, I have been involved in several redemption programmes for football teams with an embarrassing past or present).

As a Portuguese, I know the recipe of a genuine colonialism, i.e. development: the merit of CampLands is to list the ingredients of that recipe. Information Technology to solve conflicts (Joe Biden, what a genius), the Losers’ Rank to understand who should be given priorities (thanks George Clooney, it’s not a case we look alike), music as the best way to stimulate sympathy and Portuguese olive oil sold as it was made in Italy.

There’s another thing I want to state clearly though: if those two losers are just trying to make money out of my name, to gain exposure through my OpEds, then we have to talk. Firstly, as I said, my time is precious and my fee would be equal to the GDPs of a few Global South countries. Secondly, El Duque and Pablo Fanque should tell me when they deliberately decide to offend my favourite single of the 80s. Do they know it’s Christmas? Well, I guess they don’t, since the amount of crap they wrote on We Are The World sounds as false as Arsene Wenger’s hair.

Well, I have to admit that el desarrollo era un puterio ante de CampLands, quoting my friend Diego Armando Maradona. But still, those two bastards will have to try hard to involve me again in this.

Besht, JM

We Are The World and other charity records declared inhumane weapons

US Military training session; Bob Dylan has second thoughts on operation

Twenty-six years ago today, the United States launched one of its most controversial attacks, changing the paradigms of modern warfare and, in the process, raising an ethical debate that, until now, had remained unresolved. But in earlier hours this morning an addendum was signed to the Inhumane Weapons Convention (IWC), determining that We Are The World, Do They Know It’s Christmas? and other brutal charity records are, from now on, prohibited as engagement weapons.

Experts have historically appointed Bob Geldof as the mastermind that launched this tactic with the release of Do They Know It’s Christmas? in 1984. “Bob pioneered the African onslaught. He engineered this yet unknown strategy of in-your-face ignorance, musical self-complacence and bad hair, easing the way for what a few months later would be the Little Boy of them all,” said judge Carmen Babangida. Precisely, in March 1985 the United States upended their British allies by dropping the most calculated charity record of all time, We Are The World. Using previously unseen star-power and senseless lyrics, the song achieved chart domination while carefully solidifying the charity logic as a plausible way of international intervention. “What was impressive wasn’t how they created a billion dollar industry out of it,” added Babangida, “but that they managed to patronize a whole continent using Huey Lewis in the process. For that reason alone they’re all fuckers in my book.”

Following the announcement, the US Department of Defense issued a surprising apology to the international community, admitting the excessive use of the charity single as a tool of destruction. “From today on, we will abstain from using these weapons to inflict harm on innocent people. We have insulted them, punished our own musical taste and wasted everyone’s money over time. As a first measure we have detained Wyclef Jean,” says the statement.

“Furthermore, re-studying the video for We Are The World we noticed alarming elements that could be labelled as crimes on humanity beyond the actual song: the inclusion of John Oates in the chorus, La Toya Jackson’s bandana and Stevie Wonder’s sweaters. Plus, what the hell is Dan Aykroyd doing there at all? Definitely not our proudest moment. Only the Boss comes unscathed. From now on, we will resort to traditional de-stabilizing operations like oil price speculation, bribery and media distortion to get our point across as humanely as possible,” the statement concludes.

At press release, the news of Jean’s detention has raised speculation over a similar destiny with Bono, still at large from his “Tonight thank God it’s them, instead of you” lyrical crime in Do They Know Its Christmas?

Joe Biden warns Gaddafi: Libya’s future will be shaped in MountainView

Joe Biden: "How couldn't I smile with this amazing background?"

A few hours ago, GoogleTalk allowed us to interview Joseph Robinette “Joe” Biden, Jr., vice-president of the United States of America, right after the umpteenth meeting on Middle East. The hot topic was surely the Libyan crisis and Biden, with his whitest smile, didn’t hesitate to clarify all our doubts.

CL: Vice-president, this blog is confused… We read reports of Libyan air forces bombing civilians. How did a few thousands rebels survive such an attack? It sounds weird…

JB: Our sources speak actually of nearly one million rebels… In North Africa censuses are pretty weak, but luckily we have GoogleEarth now and Mountain View is improving a software for counting people instantaneously, GoogleRiot.

CL: Do you mean U.S. Army is using Google software at the moment?

JB: I do. After Bush’s administration the Defense wanted to give a clear sign of freshness to the young people, sharing knowledge through open source and freeware softwares. It’s amazing everyone could feel like a general from his house!

CL: It is indeed.. but who, which general suggested the no-fly zone?

JB: Oh, you mean what suggested that. It was GoogleUN. The software calculated that will serve just to stop the genocide, just a little warning. Of course there won’t be any accident, the software guaranteed that.

CL: Genocide?

JB: Yep, thanks to GoogleJargon we named it properly. You see, we developed a plugin for GoogleUN called GoogleArena which interacts with the dictionary present in GoogleJargon and choose the word we need to make these points clear. The data we had from Kosovo were fundamental, and easy to get thanks to GoogleClinton. And the last update of the plugin GoogleEmpire was perfect to adapt some parameters to the whole Global South.

CL: [we have opened GoogleEarth in the meantime] It’s impressive how the information are updated in real time. And it’s already indicated the Cyrenaica.

JB: Oh, that’s GoogleBoundaries, but it’s experimental. Let me see… yes… also these ads by BP, it’s GoogleOil, experimental as well. Like GoogleSaintHelena that suggested us Gheddafi’s exile: we are still working on that.

CL: Sounds great. What’s the next step?

JB: I have no idea, you have to ask MountainView. They are developing GoogleFreedom and implementing GoogleNobelPrize, so in the worst case we will be always right! They are quite busy at the moment, try with GoogleTalk.

CL: We’ll try hard. Thanks vice-president.

JB: Always a pleasure with CampLands. Bye Pablo, bye Duque.

George Clooney’s T.R.O.L.L.: What’s worth fighting for

Clooney's initiative sponsored by Texaco: "A matter of heart", he says.

Interviewed by a journalist of the british tabloid The Sun, George Clooney has recalled once again the tragedy of Darfur, with an interesting comparison to its recent malaria problem: “Poverty and hunger are not” he says “something we can fully understand. Only in a condition of illness I found myself able to understand what those people are facing everyday”.

He speaks of pure and deep sympathy and remembers how the same sensation was not as strong when he first visited the Balcans in the 90s: “I can’t explain exactly why but I think social misfortunes cannot be treated the same way all around the world. We should concentrate our efforts on whom we really care about. Darfur people are in my heart, those Balcanians simply were not, with their passion for poorly dubbed French movies and their developed neighbours”. Love at first sight, then: Clooney smiles.

Therefore, after his idea on Darfur inspired to the Big Brother, he has just launched, with the help of the social sensitive oil company Texaco, another brilliant campaign that projects the world of development toward a more contemporary approach: the Texaco Rank Of Love Leaks (T.R.O.L.L.) that  according to him could replace in a few years all the other criteria of assessment used by the United Nations. Bono, from his Dublin residence, claps his hands and says “It is a new dawn: finally we’ll know where to focus our energies. We are sorry for whom will remain out of the rank, but they are simply too many”.

Launched yesterday on his personal website, TROLL has so far registered Much Sympathy (M.S. in the new technical jargon) for the following groups:

1- Christian Egyptians

2- Muslim Egyptians

3- Haitians, the morally pure ones

4- 2004 Portugal national team football players still in therapy

5- Children of Darfur

With a simple click everyone could contribute to decide whom the Clooney & Friends NGO is going to help. It seems Palestine could still get its chance, given the positive trend initiated by the rest of Middle East. Hurry up and don’t lose this opportunity: the poll will close on the next 6h of May, Clooney’s fiftieth birthday.

Specialized abuse push Fairtrade to introduce new logo family

From left: Fairtrade logo; Fair My Ass logo; new branding on blood bananas

Fairtrade released yesterday the first images of their upcoming logo family, set to begin a new, broader categorization of trade standards. The Fair My Ass label seeks to acknowledge the growing specialization in global markets of exploitative, one-sided economies, where labour rights are disregarded and maximum profit reigns supreme. Recent years have seen a rise in shady production practices but, despite this sector’s industrious effort to win through injustice, they remain largely ignored by the marketing world and field organizations.

Seeking to tackle this void, Fairtrade first looked at what caused this phenomenon. “It’s total crap. A lot comes from a person’s habits and perceptions. Humanity has a problem with spending less, with buying cheaper products. Farmers with sustainable produce and egalitarian work schemes are cashing in like crazy, controlling a market that once used to be universally unfair and just plain disgraceful. It is a shame how our values have been transfixed,” said spokesman Manoel Kiang. “The Fair My Ass label will enable producers showcase their dishonest products with pride, knowing that their repeated distortion of rights, law and ethics will be supported by a globally recognized standard. Plus, the logo is metaphorical and deep,” added an excited Kiang.

Several questioned companies attended the branding launch, hoping that Fair My Ass soon becomes part of the everyday commercial lexicon. The label will be included in companies websites and future packaging, if at all. “This is a landmark achievement for our industry. It is a shout out to the world and the stuck-up ethical movement that keeps putting us obstacles,” commented coffee plantation owner Guillaume Jayawardhana. “I want people to know it took a whole lot of abuse to produce this coffee… borderline slavery. With this nice little logo I will, at least, partially say thanks to those who believe in our methods by buying our products. And to the whiners out there: fair my ass, suckers,” he concluded.

Ban Ki Moon endorses Metallica song for international appeal

Moon has high hopes for his alliance with Metallica

After considering several candidates, UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon said before the UN General Assembly that Metallica’s song Harvester of Sorrow will be the official soundtrack for the coming year’s appeal for relief aid. After the devastating effects of harvesting crises in Zimbabwe, Thailand, Nicaragua, Pakistan and many other countries, the UN has taken as a top priority to “render this global catastrophe as what it is…a fucking disaster,” said a visibly affected Moon. Getting Harvester of Sorrow is seen amongst pundits as a potential marketing coup for the UN, its powerful heavy sludge a winning card in desperate situations like these. The chorus phrase “Language of the Maaaaaad” was apparently what ultimately convinced Moon, tipping the balance over expected winner, Neil Young’s Harvest.

Schroeder's artwork to be used in official UN documents

Giovanni Gregoryakis of Vertigo Records was excited at the prospect of Metallica becoming the voice for global awareness initiatives. “People are not eating and shit. I’m sure Lars and James were trying to convey that desperation when they wrote the song. For sure, dude,” mentioned Gregoryakis, who added that there is still an ongoing negotiation over changing the line “Infanticide!” with something less shocking, like “The Planet Dies!” The partnership will see Harvester of Sorrow become the official song for all UN related public events, to be played the moment Moon enters the stage, similar to how songs are used with relief pitchers or wrestlers. The lyrics will be used in printed media too, highlighting the intricacies of poor harvesting, madness and turning the lie to truth. Arrangements are being made to include Brian Schroeder’s original artwork on the next cover of Trade and Development Report. “This song might be the first of many in our partnership with Metallica,” added Moon. “The International Labour Organization are looking forward to pump …And Justice for All, and the World Health Organization has its eyes all over Creeping Death.”